THE TRUTH. I was molested as a child. I realize that this statement may make some people uncomfortable. For some, it may trigger some startling events of his or her past that are all too sickening and familiar to playback. For me, it’s a truth. A truth that has always been a memory I’ve struggled to cope with, forget and move on from. Being able to openly admit that I was molested, came from real growth, healing, letting go, and forgiveness. If I had not experienced any of those things, I could never release that kind of information without looking back or worrying about what others think.
A DEAD THING. Being a victim of molestation makes you feel heavy with burden. Especially when you’ve never sought real therapy or help for it and you’ve pretty much coped with it all of your life. Unfortunately, you carry it around…relationship to relationship, like dead weight. And like any dead thing, it prohibits growth and freedom to be the person God intended. Similarily, there may be a dead thing in your life, that prevents you from being who you were designed to be. Its probably something you’ve never even shared with your closest friends & family, and since it has never been released, it’s now trapped inside. It has shaped your personality and even rejected your heart from experiencing true and real love. Harboring secrets…and I mean those dirty ones that make you feel less than a woman or man, only perpetuates a cycle of unproductivity and self hatred. Unknowingly, you sabotage potentially great relationships and opportunities, because you feel unkept, unworthy, unattractive, and undesireable.
LIVE AGAIN. There’s real catharsis in letting go of ”dead weight”. It has allowed me to change for a better me, and in this new me, I had to let go of some things that were all too familiar. I had to part from some very toxic behaviors, habits, relationships, and even a job that continued to influence my codependent and sadistic lifestyle. I’ve prayed. Meditated. Forgiven. Asked for forgiveness. In an effort to start anew. It has NOT been easy. Seeing yourself for who you truly are is downright disgusting at moments. But in the end, it’s refreshing to wake up with a renewed mind and a revival within you that you know was powerful and necessary for you to live again.
EXTRACTION. So I’m asking you…find whatever it is that saddens you. That keeps you in a indiscreet level of unhappiness and depression. Find it…it may have been planted inside of you when you were five or it may be apart of your DNA. But like unwanted wild onions growing in your yard, you have to remove it from its root to discontinue its existence. For me, it was molestation. A thing that had robbed me of having healthy relationships with men. For you, it may be drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc. But in order for you to love you like you should, you have to remove it from the core. If you don’t remove it, it will spread into other parts of your life and influence more bad decisions. You’ll end up falling in love with someone just as dysfunctional as you are, maybe even marry him or her. You may even compromise your happiness, for an unfulfilling relationship or situation that was never intended to be one in the first place. I know too many people that are in unfulfilling jobs and marriages, because they never saw themselves worthy of having anything better.
SET IT ON FIRE. I’m here to encourage you…not to shame you, and to hold your hand along the journey. For starters you need to write a letter to yourself…a very endearing letter in which you explain all the devastation that’s happened that you did and/or that was done to you. Write it….read it to yourself…pray about it….and set it on fire (literally). Now I can’t promise you that after this it’s smooth sailing on the road to recovery…it’s the total opposite. If you’re like me and you’re very real and honest with yourself, you will start to see yourself in eyes that may bring up some very raw and intense feelings. When I saw the patterns of my behavior because of what happened in my childhood, I was mortified. I couldn’t believe how it created a domino effect of bad guy after bad guy. I slowly understood that these guys didn’t know each other, I was the common denominator that connected them. That was hard to accept but it was a revelation that only God could help me thru. People around you may notice a heightened sense of emotion in you and that’s normal. But I would encourage you to experience it privately and seek God in every turn you may feel cornered in. Ask Him, the Universe, Buddha, God, Yahweh…whatever you want to call Him…to be your guiding light and source of all understanding. And trust me, He will.
I didn’t write this to gain some sort of insight into your past or to stir up some juicy gossip. Pain is real. And like so many people, it may go unattended for a lifetime and end up becoming a generational curse. I never want my child(ren), grandchildren to end up developing certain personalities only because I didn’t have the courage to deal with my own dead stuff. That’s an unfair disadvantage for them to begin their lives battling. So, today, I start with me and hopefully through my transparency, I’ve encouraged you to witness such growth in your own lives.
Tags: changing your life, child molestation, coping with depression, keshajo, molestation, moving on, starting over, testimony
Many moons ago I would’ve belted out in laughter if you had told me God would have assigned me to go into business for myself. Like most American citizens, my comfort had found commonplace in the 9 to 5, 8 to 4, 7 to 3 work schedule…weekends off, and no real desire to go to work other than for the paycheck that never seemed to be enough. Recession proof? Maybe, yes…but my life seemed pointless. Here I had a gift that if given a shot, maybe could be one of those Apple startups,…or pre-Google days when I’m sure the word sounded funny to everyone who heard it.
