Bittersweet

I am in love…and it’s with a break-up song! Word up! Somebody finally put an uptempo ballad to the lyrics of my love life.  Cue Fantasia’s new single, “Bittersweet”. 

Late December and it still appears in my rear view mirror. Our relationship was a roller-coaster ride. But, I still haven’t thrown out that box of things he gave me.  And sometimes I even miss him.  But if I had to do it all over again, it would still be him over there and me over here.  He can love all up on someone else.  And I can fall in love all over again.  But my thoughts still reverberate from time to time.  It’s a bipolar feeling, smile, then frown.  Part of me wants you, part of me don’t.  Part of me is missing you , part of me is gone. 

This shit is bittersweet.

Homie, Lover, Friend?

They were friends for a long time before Erykah took the plunge and kissed him romantically backstage.

I posed this question to a few of my FB fam’ members and some of the responses were truly predictable.  “Don’t do it” , “I did it and we’re no longer friends”… and while this issue may seem very reminiscient of similar topics in women’s magazines, I promise that I will try not to beat another dead horse.

I have a best friend who is a guy.  And in the eyes of others, he’s very handsome.  Not that I don’t think he’s handsome, but my eyes have never searched him in that way.   But I will say this, my mother’s eyes seem to roll into the back of her head when I even mention his name.  She’s like…”giiirrrrl, you’re crazy.  He would be more than my friend.”  I shake my head at her obvious attraction to a younger man.  Cougar Mom, ready to pounce.

In an effort to protect his booty calls, half-hearted relationships,  and bachelor-hood, let’s call him David.  David and I have been nothing more than real friends since 1997…subtract that from 2010 and you’ve got 13 years of genuine friendship.   I love him.  He is my confidant.  If anyone could write my biography with every ounce of juice an avid reader would need to make it from cover to cover, he would be the one.  He knows all of my secrets and has never once judged me or held them against the unconditional love we share for one another.  But after watching one of my close friends marry her best friend last year…I couldn’t help but wonder, why hasn’t cupid took a shot at our buns?  We’ve never taken our relationship beyond the comfort level of friendship.  We’ve never been in a compromising situation where the lights are low, hormones are hi-fiving, and the song “Girl Next Door” is the soundtrack of the moment.  When I’m in his company, it always feels so safe and serene.  We joke around and laugh nonstop and bring an ease of carefree-ness, that a person would share with a best friend. 

I have taken that plunge with another “guy” friend.  Hormones subjected us to a night that we both regretted and it put an irrevocable flaw in our friendship that took us from close friends to one-quarter acquaintances.  I guess that unfortunate demise, taught me a valuable lesson that makes me hold David’s hand with a mutual certainty…we’re just friends.  Some of my friends have asked me if I have ever looked at him in another way…I’ve tried to, but to go beyond 1st base, makes me pull the trash can a little closer to the bed.   I wouldn’t barf, but my gag-reflex would be tested.  In my dreams, however, and when I look at “the list” of the man I’ve asked God for, he has every attribute of my Mr. Everything. 

I clearly understand that relationships are valuable in every degree.  And even as just friends, there’s nothing that I’m missing out on.  Maybe it is (hint-hint).  But taking our relationship to the next level, would definitely be extra credit, that would have to involve a long, pre-meditated conversation, minus sex-inducing elements like alcohol & erotica.  We would have to discuss the principles of our relationship and if our foundation is strong enough to secure a structure built to last a lifetime.  A structure with more than one bedroom and at least 2 full baths. 

Fortunately, we do have a pact…if we aren’t involved by 60, we’ll go ahead and seal the deal. Either way, Mr. & Mrs. or David & I, we’ll always be the best of friends. 

In your opinion, what do you think of friends becoming lovers?

On to the next one…

In 2009, I experienced heartbreak. The man, that at one point made my heart skip a beat, made me feel like I needed a heart transplant. However, I’ve learned, at the misfortunes of the heart, to embrace the lesson so that moving on is a possibility. The brokenness was real that I experienced, but the aftermath has taught me one valuable thing…never love a man with all of your being. In other words, save something for yourself. Up until now, I have loved as a psychologist would say is co-dependent…loving others and doing for others, moreso than you do for yourself. And when you do attempt to put yourself first, it feels strange and insanely guilty!

Another thing I realize is that just because I’m a woman, it does not mean I’m an expert on what’s best in a relationship. We seem to think that we have all the answers when it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately, we do not. Sometimes, it is best to not be so emotional and be more logical about our decision-making in a relationship. If he says in the beginning of your relationship that he’s not looking to settle down, and you knowingly stay, do not be surprised when he is unable to reciprocate the feelings that has left you spellbound. Men, really do mean what they say sometimes. They’re not driven by emotions like we are. If it doesn’t make logical sense, then guess what, they won’t even bother to entertain the idea. But women, true to our caretaking nature, will love anyway, despite the odds. We’ll sing those love songs and envision our man, knocking at our door, in the pouring rain, surrendering to love. LOL! Won’t happen…maybe in those Dollar Tree romance novels, but the chances of a firm-minded man being blindly led into love entirely by feelings is slim to none. I’m not being cynical, I’ve just learned through the course of my life and failed relationships that love is not enough! It takes more. Their are characteristics that women lack, like patience, that make it impossible for a relationship to flourish. Just because you’re a self-proclaimed loving being, does not mean you’re patient. To be patient with love, means you will remove yourself from a relationship if the person is not ready to be totally committed to you. Real love is when you can love without a selfish agenda and be patient enough to date others and if you love him, allow him to work on his own stuff, without pressuring him to change into the man you so desperately want him to be. Believe me…when he sees that you’re willing to do that, he’ll begin to recognize the value in your strength. Then he will logically understand and know in his heart that you’re the woman he needs to be with.

Right now, I’m learning how to love the healthy way and that starts with me. In the words of Mary J. Blige, how can I, love somebody else, if I can’t, love myself enough to know when it’s time to let go. We (women) sadly have learned from our baby-boomer mothers to put others before our own needs. We’ve even learned to compromise and justify our lack for filling someone else up with the very things we need to be happy and loved. I’m not saying that we should now be self-centered, but a little bit of self-love won’t spoil your diet.

I’m over the past…not just him, but all the others, too. It takes a lot of courage to let go of the pain and trust what is not seen and has not entered into the hearts of man. I now have faith that moving on, will be a whole lot better than looking back.