In 2009, I experienced heartbreak. The man, that at one point made my heart skip a beat, made me feel like I needed a heart transplant. However, I’ve learned, at the misfortunes of the heart, to embrace the lesson so that moving on is a possibility. The brokenness was real that I experienced, but the aftermath has taught me one valuable thing…never love a man with all of your being. In other words, save something for yourself. Up until now, I have loved as a psychologist would say is co-dependent…loving others and doing for others, moreso than you do for yourself. And when you do attempt to put yourself first, it feels strange and insanely guilty!
Another thing I realize is that just because I’m a woman, it does not mean I’m an expert on what’s best in a relationship. We seem to think that we have all the answers when it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately, we do not. Sometimes, it is best to not be so emotional and be more logical about our decision-making in a relationship. If he says in the beginning of your relationship that he’s not looking to settle down, and you knowingly stay, do not be surprised when he is unable to reciprocate the feelings that has left you spellbound. Men, really do mean what they say sometimes. They’re not driven by emotions like we are. If it doesn’t make logical sense, then guess what, they won’t even bother to entertain the idea. But women, true to our caretaking nature, will love anyway, despite the odds. We’ll sing those love songs and envision our man, knocking at our door, in the pouring rain, surrendering to love. LOL! Won’t happen…maybe in those Dollar Tree romance novels, but the chances of a firm-minded man being blindly led into love entirely by feelings is slim to none. I’m not being cynical, I’ve just learned through the course of my life and failed relationships that love is not enough! It takes more. Their are characteristics that women lack, like patience, that make it impossible for a relationship to flourish. Just because you’re a self-proclaimed loving being, does not mean you’re patient. To be patient with love, means you will remove yourself from a relationship if the person is not ready to be totally committed to you. Real love is when you can love without a selfish agenda and be patient enough to date others and if you love him, allow him to work on his own stuff, without pressuring him to change into the man you so desperately want him to be. Believe me…when he sees that you’re willing to do that, he’ll begin to recognize the value in your strength. Then he will logically understand and know in his heart that you’re the woman he needs to be with.
Right now, I’m learning how to love the healthy way and that starts with me. In the words of Mary J. Blige, how can I, love somebody else, if I can’t, love myself enough to know when it’s time to let go. We (women) sadly have learned from our baby-boomer mothers to put others before our own needs. We’ve even learned to compromise and justify our lack for filling someone else up with the very things we need to be happy and loved. I’m not saying that we should now be self-centered, but a little bit of self-love won’t spoil your diet.
I’m over the past…not just him, but all the others, too. It takes a lot of courage to let go of the pain and trust what is not seen and has not entered into the hearts of man. I now have faith that moving on, will be a whole lot better than looking back.
Friend or foe? Marriage is being prolonged for extended singlehood. Some people even have marriage phobia. How did this happen? Some folks give a side-eye towards walking down the aisle. They say it’s due to the fact that many marriages are resulting in divorce or worse, a til death prison sentence. Women are even pulling the mother-card before saying, “I do”. It’s a painstaking reality that has Adam deserting Eve at the altar, leaving her to fend for herself, Abel and Cain the Menace.
